Chloe

gen·u·ine

9 more days… can’t wait til i can get away from here!!

Take me far away from here, so far that I’ll wake up in a foreign place where everything feels different except for the embrace of the Sun’s familiar warmth against my bare skin.
In this new world I chase the streaks of light back to the window made old by cracked paint and time.  It carries with it the smell of a faint cigarette from across the street, and I let it settle into the threads of my sweater.
A sensuous warm breeze blatantly lifts the edges of my skirt to tease me into following after it outside and lets fate release me from its leash.

2:55 am thoughts

The green kitchen towels have been replaced by white ones,
and the silverware now sit in different directions.

A circuit of familiarity- replaced by emptiness- replaced by a strange kind of happiness  become the layers of paint on the walls, old to new.

This is the house my mentality has created for me.
Change flooded through it, and rearranged the outlook.

I thought I saw it follow me around the corner. It stopped at the place where light from my dim room reflected it’s monster shadow against the hallway walls. I turned for a moment anticipating if my eyes indeed had seen the image or if it was a figment of my imagination.  I felt it lurking behind me in despair, but hid so I could never confront it.  It became the shadow to my own self and I feared for what it would make me.
I realized it had been my worries frantically lurking behind
That had latched onto me,
Before I could set them free.

Dear Mom,

Words can come easily to me, but when I think of you I’m at a loss for them.  At times I have so much I want to say, but I can’t because it begins to fade away so quickly.  Nothing I could write could fully capture the feelings and emotions I encounter when I reminisce about our life together. There hasn’t been a single day where you don’t cross my mind. 

It scares me to know that you only knew me until I was seventeen, and that time only pushes you more into the past. You were so real, a tangible human being and now your body doesn’t even exist in this world anymore. Each line on your face, or the curve of your lips can only be held in my memory of your smile and kisses.  I’m like a lost child waiting for you to come home from a long trip to feel your embrace and hear the sound of your charming familiar voice. I long so much to open the door and have you comfort me once again. But distantly I know now that could only happen in a beautiful dream.  When I do dream of you it feels so real and true.  Sometimes you’re sick, and sometimes you’re back to the way you were before.  I still delight in them either way because I have some form of you to hold on to.

Everything is different now.

I would say I wish I could go back and do it all over again so I could be there more for you, but when I was with you and saw you in such a state, I physically could not speak and a simple word would break me down into inconsolable tears. I couldn’t move in your presence in fear I would show that I was terrified.

You were so scared at first and I was quiet.  I should have comforted you to let you know you weren’t alone, but I kept waiting for you to get better on your own…as if you would always pull through no matter what…because I couldn’t imagine my life without you as my mother. I thought you were being overemotional when you were crying saying you wanted to be at my wedding, and now I wish you could have at least seen me graduate high school.

I’m sorry that you had to go through such pain.  The toll on your body was extensive and I watched you deteriorate in front of my eyes.  You still remained so beautiful until you’re last breath.  The worst part for me was not seeing you cry, but your acceptance.  You were so calm and secure, and to see you like that was the hardest.  I was dying emotionally trying to make it seem like I was strong while you already understood your fate and accepted it alone.  You tried acting normally, but I saw the sickness consume you.  You are in such a better place now where you won’t be sick and crying, you’re dancing with your Father and rejoicing. It’s just so hard for the ones you left behind.  Your death truly is a wound on my heart and once I feel it is healing, something triggers a feeling and rips it open again.  At those times I’m left like a child, weeping from the exhaust of having to feel it once more.  Time will never heal this, and I don’t want it to because it means you were that real.

I’ve never gone through such a range of emotions.  At first I was relieved when I had heard it had all ended, because I couldn’t handle seeing you go through such torture any longer.  The sickness reduced you to an image that wasn’t you.  I was optimistic that you were finally alive in an eternity of no hurt and weakness.  My heart however, dropped for Dad because he had been so busy taking care of you that when it was all over he didn’t know what to do.  It was just silence.  I am so fortunate you were able to leave me with the best a father could be to me.  Now I’m beautifully tortured everyday with thoughts of you. It’s constantly making my life yet bringing with it the sweetest memories.

You always wanted to move out of the house we lived in, isn’t it ironic a year later Dad, Paul and I did? You were so sad that you knew you were never going to move, but look where you are now.  No home in this world could ever compare.  I’m sad now that we moved because our other home was filled with you…the last lingering scent and movements you made.  The smell of your closet and clothes are thrown into boxes that will never come out to be worn.

People constantly want to know how I handled this, how I was so brave… but how do I answer that? I never did or was. They wouldn’t be able to fully understand how your sickness and death changed everything. It’s all that I think about, it impacts me at every moment.  Looking at pictures feels like I’m looking directly into the past.  Sometimes I’m nostalgic and laugh, but other times when I look at your expression I can hear how happy you were in that moment, the things that you loved and made you joyful and I start crying out of a longing for you. A mother’s touch is truly something that is hard to live without.

I wonder what our last meal together was… or the last time you were fully able to have joy at a normal life.  I’m happy that I was able to make into final words, “I’m going to miss you so much, I love you” and that you understood.  Nobody knew that you were going to pass away, the doctors kept giving false hope.  I only found out a few days before you actually died that you were going to leave this world.  Nothing prepares you for that.  You didn’t want anybody to see your life-filled face turn into what it was, so I wasn’t able to see you as often.  I wish we could have spent a night together, staying up late just talking, but you started to diminish so quickly I hardly had a chance to have even two sentences with you. 

I saw you age 30 years in 3 days, but you will always remain the young and elegant woman I was made from.  Your presence was truly a joy to be around. Your blood still runs alive through me—your worldly body may have dissolved, but your spirit is as present as my heart beat. There’s so much more that I want to say, but I’ll leave it at this for right now. I love and miss you so much, and I can’t wait for the day that our bodies will come to delight in His undying love together.

BF WIFEY/best frand

I miss my girl Jennifer Eun sooo much~

You really are one of the few girls I can 100% relate to and know will always have my back. We laugh about the weirdest, ugliest, and funniest things so much that it’s hard to breathe afterward. No matter how much time has passed without seeing each other in college, we still pick up right where we left off when we do.  There’s no distance or awkwardness and I love that about our friendship. 

It’s hard to believe that we probably only have gotten into a fight one time in the 5 years we’ve known each other…but that was probably when we were 14 and immature. We can call each other bitches and the other will always understand<3

I miss being in high school where we’d be able to chill every weekend and do something stupid like go to tysons and lounge/talk about the most random things. We click so easily it’s hard to be bored around you. I also love how we have amazing telepathy and know each others true personality. A large part of me growing up into the person I am now is by you, and I want my life to continue to be affected by your presence in it :)

I hope in the future we will only grow as better friends (if that’s possible) and hopefully we won’t kill each other.. hAHA.

Friends are supposed to take the bad with the good and I’ll listen to any problem you may have!~ I’ll always try to understand from your point of view.

When we’re old and wrinkly together I hope we can look back at all the memories we’ve had…from meeting in 8th grade, going through our ugliest days, and what life is like after college for us.  I wouldn’t have been able to survive high school as well as I did without you in it. You’re blood, like a sister and I know you’ll be there right beside me at my wedding, (fml not getting married anyway) and every other special event.

YOU MAH GURRRL ok enough of this lezzie post hehe love you<3

I love surreal paintings like these!